Monday, June 14, 2010

what if.

..."Then came the most difficult part.

"Show me your shame," I asked my mind. Dear God, the horrors I saw then. A pitiful parade of all my failings, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance. I didn't blink from any of it, though. "Show me your worst," I said. When I tried to invite these units of shame into my heart, they hesitated at the door, saying, "No-- you don't want me in there... don't you know what I did?" and I would say, "I do want you. Even you. I do. Even you are welcome here. It's OK. You are forgiven. You are part of me. You can rest now. It's over."

When all this was finished, I  was empty....

I looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and I saw its capacity. I saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even having taken in and tended o these calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more. Its love was infinite..."

pg 327-328.

i finished "Eat Pray Love" a few days ago and i instantly panicked. This book had changed me and now what?

i felt stronger, empowered where i was broken but this is only inside myself. How can i show that to the man i love? the man who (unblamingly) is trying to decide if i'm worth the pain, anger, shame i have caused him.

i'm terrified of his answer because i have never wanted anything more in my life than him.


Claire Kiefer said...

Sweetest girl. I'm thinking of you all the time. So relieved to have talked to you on the phone yesterday because now I know YOU ARE GONNA BE FINE! Take your time to decompress and heal and be kind to your wonderful, beautiful, loving, SO redeemable self, and things will fall into place exactly the way they are supposed to. They have to.


heisschic said...

sending some love your way, sweetheart.

you know how to contact me if you ever need to vent- or if you want some superficial stories for distraction.

Jen said...

Thank you, Claire, for your comment relieving my intense worry for dear Micaela! OMG, lady, you have had me wringing my hands.

I felt the same way when I finished that book, and it will change you outwardly too -- slowly, bit by bit. And everyone will see it. I have no doubt.

m.a.f said...

oh i'm with claire in that you're constantly on my mind.

i read eat pray love at the beginning of the year during a three month period when i was going through a massive growth spurt--when suddenly everything was becoming clear.

i hope things become clear for you.

and all i can think of is that marilyn monroe quote where she says, if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

m--you are amazing. we all have parts of ourselves that are shameful and hard and awful, but dear lord above thank god for those things because they give weight and meaning to the good!

Taylor Yves said...

sending prayers your way! you know God will always want you! there is nothing for Him to decide on that one.

i have no idea what you really need right now, probably rest and peace. but because you mention growing, after that book, might i suggest a simple list of goals and hopes? let them guide each and every one of your decisions.

as i am writing this, the dark clouds that were hovering over my window split open to reveal the sun. i am thinking of you!

Erin said...

You know I'm thinking about you and hoping it all turns out how you want it to. Take care and be good to yourself and know you are strong enough to get through anything. You are so full of love, and so deserving of it. Sending you my happiest thoughts and most positive vibes, M.
With lots of love,
E xoxo

Carolyn said...

Dear Girl~

Please please be gentle on yourself. I am sure whatever happened will work out just fine. I am sending oodles of love and hugs!!

Jumbleberry Orchard said...

I'm listening to the radio as I read, and just as I came to the Coldplay clip I head this:

'Look at the stars, look how they shine for you'

The stars are shining outside my window as I type.

Sending you love :-)

erin elder said...

Because I find it more difficult than most to put my thoughts into wonderfully articulated words, please just know that I am thinking of you and hoping you find peace with yourself and whatever is going on.

I adore you and your open heart... Smiles and hugs for you.


Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Big hugs dearest and prayers and vibes that things work out just they way they should.

kittycat said...

micaela, im sending you all my prayers and love. everything will work out the way it's supposed to. i'm sure of it.
if you need someone to talk to at any time, feel free to write me or email me :)

xo tiffany

carmar76 said...

I have no words of wisdom, only *HUGGGGGS* to give!

Lauren Nicole said...

m, i hope you're doing well and that you DO see how wonderful and beautiful you are. you're so amazing caela and redeemable and NOT a bad person whatsoever. please remember this. and max is so lucky to have you and there should be nothing to tear you apart if the love is there. even though it sounds incrediously cheesy, love does power through everything and so does trust & forgiveness. no matter what you could've said or done or max has said or done, it does not matter. love one another and forgive the past because the two of you are the present and present representation of love. think about your individual lives today and your life TOGETHER this moment. just forget about each others past whatever shit they may withhold and like in eat pray love, let it go and help him let go because it doesn't matter AT ALL anymore. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
- L

April said...

You are in my thoughts. I have nothing but hope for you, and am sending out lots and lots of good juju for you. <3

i-zilla said...

don't ever question whether you're worth it. we all have our weak moments but that's only part of who we are and eventually we learn and get stronger. you're too lovely for him not to see past your more frail moments and see the amazing person you are and the amazing people you two can become when you're together.

Gracie said...

You are definitely in my thoughts! I hope you are taking care of yourself and (your heart). Your just beautiful and I'm sending love and prayers your way! x

Marisa said...

this song always gets to me...

love you M

lindsey said...


greystrawberrys said...

Thinking of you <3 *sending you lots of hugs* I wish I knew the words to make you feel better.

Much love xoxox

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