I am unredeemable.

a note: i have the urge to hit delete on this. It may be too much to understand, if you've never been there, and that's fine. But this is my heart on my sleeve.


For the longest time, I felt like my broken relationship defined me. It gave me a crutch to be a victim and have an excuse for my careless actions. It was who I accepted I was... that girl. I thought (and earnestly hoped) that a good guy who loved me for my light and regardless of my darkness (cos God knows he tried) would be enough to magically change me over night. No work on my part.

... that it would happen because it was meant to happen.

and now, and now when i'm seeing it all clearly--- that it doesn't work like that; that i have to want it bad enough to work on me --- it may be too late to save what i have broken.

i believe in God's plan for my life. I think there's a reason, He waited so long for me to find a book by chance in a book shop far away from my home. A book i had been wanting to read but never picked up.

But there it was... on a shelf in a shop that doesn't usually carry new bestsellers.

(this is a sign, i believe in those, you just have to listen)

in these pages, i have found myself. my glorious failings. My defects.

i know this sounds crazy, dear readers. but hear me out.

i wasn't kidding when i said that this book could possibly change my life. It already has. I feel it inside myself, somewhere i can't even pin point to except possibly in my heart that is so heavy burdened with damage-- the worse kind of damage; the self-inflicted kind.

dear readers, if you never pick this book up off the shelves then consider this my gift to you:

sooo many of it's pages are dog eared in my copy (and i'm not even done yet) but yesterday when i was so sick with grief and emptiness, these lines were there. I needed them at that exact moment. If you have ever been this lost, this hard on yourself... if you've ever been good at brooding about a relationship that is clearly not healthy for you... then these words are for you.


pg 182-185



"I was unredeemable. And this unredeemed dark hole was still inside me. Even in moments of happiness and excitement (especially moments of happiness and excitement) I could never forget it for long... And that felt like it would never change, never release...


"One of these days this has to end," I said. "I just wish I knew how." 


....


INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM


1.  Life's metaphors are God's instructions.


2.  There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.


3.  The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.


4.  Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out-- on the outside and on the inside.


5.  With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.


6.  With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.


7.  Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.


8.  Watch the heat of the days pass into cool nights. Let go.


9.  When the  karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.


10.  When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy. 




...Then I shut my eyes and I said, "Dear Lord, please show me everything I need to understand about forgiveness and surrender."