Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I am unredeemable.

a note: i have the urge to hit delete on this. It may be too much to understand, if you've never been there, and that's fine. But this is my heart on my sleeve.


For the longest time, I felt like my broken relationship defined me. It gave me a crutch to be a victim and have an excuse for my careless actions. It was who I accepted I was... that girl. I thought (and earnestly hoped) that a good guy who loved me for my light and regardless of my darkness (cos God knows he tried) would be enough to magically change me over night. No work on my part.

... that it would happen because it was meant to happen.

and now, and now when i'm seeing it all clearly--- that it doesn't work like that; that i have to want it bad enough to work on me --- it may be too late to save what i have broken.

i believe in God's plan for my life. I think there's a reason, He waited so long for me to find a book by chance in a book shop far away from my home. A book i had been wanting to read but never picked up.

But there it was... on a shelf in a shop that doesn't usually carry new bestsellers.

(this is a sign, i believe in those, you just have to listen)

in these pages, i have found myself. my glorious failings. My defects.

i know this sounds crazy, dear readers. but hear me out.

i wasn't kidding when i said that this book could possibly change my life. It already has. I feel it inside myself, somewhere i can't even pin point to except possibly in my heart that is so heavy burdened with damage-- the worse kind of damage; the self-inflicted kind.

dear readers, if you never pick this book up off the shelves then consider this my gift to you:

sooo many of it's pages are dog eared in my copy (and i'm not even done yet) but yesterday when i was so sick with grief and emptiness, these lines were there. I needed them at that exact moment. If you have ever been this lost, this hard on yourself... if you've ever been good at brooding about a relationship that is clearly not healthy for you... then these words are for you.


pg 182-185



"I was unredeemable. And this unredeemed dark hole was still inside me. Even in moments of happiness and excitement (especially moments of happiness and excitement) I could never forget it for long... And that felt like it would never change, never release...


"One of these days this has to end," I said. "I just wish I knew how." 


....


INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM


1.  Life's metaphors are God's instructions.


2.  There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.


3.  The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.


4.  Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out-- on the outside and on the inside.


5.  With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.


6.  With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.


7.  Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.


8.  Watch the heat of the days pass into cool nights. Let go.


9.  When the  karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.


10.  When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy. 




...Then I shut my eyes and I said, "Dear Lord, please show me everything I need to understand about forgiveness and surrender."

21 comments:

Marisa said...

m- this is such a beautiful and heartfelt post. You my love are never unredeemable... just a little frayed along the edges, you'll find your peace. love you

J. said...

I finally bought this book [per YOUR gentle urging! ;)] and I'm loving it. I especially loved this very part, about her letting go. Such a beautiful image- those two blue souls interacting while she witnessed below...
and the letting go... something I think many of us need to do.
I love you, my dear. You ARE redeemable. You ARE worthy of great love, and of that man that loves you for both your light and your dark.
You're worthy of that love from anyone who is smart enough to give it to you- not just from a man. And my dear, I LOVE YOU that much. Don't forget that!

BrittanButterfly said...

you are wonderful to just understand this, Micaela! and you are most definitely redeemable... Don't worry because everything works out in the end. <3

Hermione said...

This was quite the inspiring post.. I love that Gos instructs us with his metaphors. So true. And yet, how often do we forget to pay attention and listen? I think I'm going to have to get this book after all!

Faiza said...

I love what this book is doing for you and to you. Thank you for your honesty Micaela. I think I've been somewhere closeto where you were at and where you are going and I can tell you that there is no better companion than faith in yourself and God.

Taylor Yves said...

very beautiful. there's nothing more freeing than learning about God's grace! i'm glad you shared that and i'm glad the book inspires you!

Caroline said...

Beautiful!

Erin said...

Micaela,
Please know that you are absolutely not unredeemable. Take all the good advice in this book and use it to heal the past and then to let it go. You will get through this. You are strong and beautiful and God loves you. And for what it's worth, so do I.
xo

PS: Keep reading... The book has a happy ending. I'm sure you will too.

Cynthia said...

one day at a time my friend, letting go it so hard for me too I examine all of my short comings let them define me and don't allow myslef to be I guess happy because I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it but I'm realizing that I do and so do you. Someone once told me that the people worth loving are the ones that can forgive you no matter what. we all make mistakes and you are not unredeemable just a little frayed like Marisa said. I hope and pray that you feel better... a little lighter after sharing this with us!

xoxo

Caroline said...

Beautiful!!

Phoenix Peacock said...

your most lovely post yet... thank you for the honesty and the wisedom. It is perfectly okay to be in a broken spot... the point is to sit with the brokeness and learn to embrace this moment, and not to rush forward with blinders ignoring the pain. with out some sorrow, we will take for granted the moments of pure joy.

Laura Loo said...

Go You!!

My best friend I think may desperately need to read this book. She definitely needs to let go of him.

Krissa said...

i do have this book...and now i must read it...to fully understand.

but this is a beautiful post...and it sure takes courage to post it...and to not delete it...

love you dear girl!!!

Meghan said...

I adore you, your honesty, and the fact that you have found such meaning in a wonderful book. I hope it continues to guide you and help you rectify everything going on in your life.

Jen said...

So glad you're loving and relating to this book! It is an unbelievable journey Liz takes you on with her. I can't wait to hear more of what you think as you read on.

Meemz said...

I have often thought of picking up this book but haven't yet. I think I will look for a copy tomorrow. *hugs*

Pooftacular said...

I recently joined swaptree.com

I got a "trade" to either accept or reject. Guess which book it was. This one.

I remembered you talking about it previously so I "accepted".

And now today, I am reading your post. Interesting how things work out. When the other person accepts the trade, we'll ship our books to each other. I'll have to make a short book review on my blog when I'm done with it :)

Jenni said...

Late at night, the ghosts from my past come back to haunt me...only recently have I learned to accept my faults and work on them.
Good luck finding yourself!

Ash said...

Micaela--I always felt kind of broken. You know? Just like I wasn't normal and I didn't know if I would ever find someone to love me because I felt I was so.deeply.flawed.

But as I got a little bit older, I learned to love myself--unconditionally--and be ok with me, good and bad. I still work on this today... it's definitely always ongoing. And then my husband came around, and he honest-to-goodness helped me feel whole. He made me realize I may be flawed, but everyone has flaws. I may have problems, but he's willing to help me. And me with his problems. I really think, Micaela, that you'll find that. And you will feel ok with being you. And on days that you worry and days that you don't feel ok--he'll be there for you. I just know it.

JenRem said...

ps- this is still one of my all time favorite books... like ever!

JenRem said...

I think we all have the the self-inflicted kind of pain on occassion. Please do not let it eat you though. You're too beautiful and strong and amazing of a woman <3

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