my heart (age 18 - early 20's)

(from That Kind of Woman)

I am unredeemable.

a note: i have the urge to hit delete on this. It may be too much to understand, if you've never been there, and that's fine. But this is my heart on my sleeve.


For the longest time, I felt like my broken relationship defined me. It gave me a crutch to be a victim and have an excuse for my careless actions. It was who I accepted I was... that girl. I thought (and earnestly hoped) that a good guy who loved me for my light and regardless of my darkness (cos God knows he tried) would be enough to magically change me over night. No work on my part.

... that it would happen because it was meant to happen.

and now, and now when i'm seeing it all clearly--- that it doesn't work like that; that i have to want it bad enough to work on me --- it may be too late to save what i have broken.

i believe in God's plan for my life. I think there's a reason, He waited so long for me to find a book by chance in a book shop far away from my home. A book i had been wanting to read but never picked up.

But there it was... on a shelf in a shop that doesn't usually carry new bestsellers.

(this is a sign, i believe in those, you just have to listen)

in these pages, i have found myself. my glorious failings. My defects.

i know this sounds crazy, dear readers. but hear me out.

i wasn't kidding when i said that this book could possibly change my life. It already has. I feel it inside myself, somewhere i can't even pin point to except possibly in my heart that is so heavy burdened with damage-- the worse kind of damage; the self-inflicted kind.

dear readers, if you never pick this book up off the shelves then consider this my gift to you:

sooo many of it's pages are dog eared in my copy (and i'm not even done yet) but yesterday when i was so sick with grief and emptiness, these lines were there. I needed them at that exact moment. If you have ever been this lost, this hard on yourself... if you've ever been good at brooding about a relationship that is clearly not healthy for you... then these words are for you.


pg 182-185



"I was unredeemable. And this unredeemed dark hole was still inside me. Even in moments of happiness and excitement (especially moments of happiness and excitement) I could never forget it for long... And that felt like it would never change, never release...


"One of these days this has to end," I said. "I just wish I knew how." 


....


INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM


1.  Life's metaphors are God's instructions.


2.  There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.


3.  The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.


4.  Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out-- on the outside and on the inside.


5.  With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.


6.  With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.


7.  Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.


8.  Watch the heat of the days pass into cool nights. Let go.


9.  When the  karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.


10.  When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy. 




...Then I shut my eyes and I said, "Dear Lord, please show me everything I need to understand about forgiveness and surrender."

youth.

while unpacking a couple of boxes, i found childhood photographs of an ex boyfriend. My first serious ex boyfriend. The first guy i dreamt of spending forever with.

i knew he should have these, that they no longer belonged to me.


inside the card, i wrote this:

"As much as I'm going to miss these (my little Jolie) I know that you should have them. I found them tucked away in an old wallet and was sad...

sad for failing this little boy.

"Think only of the past as it's remembrance gives you pleasure." -Jane Austen

ps. I am so thankful you are still part of my life."

and honestly i am.


i often forget that he was very much my heart's first lesson. I don't give him that credit because i'm much too blind from a greater love than i've ever known.


but Once Upon a Time....

Things I wish I could have told 16 year old me.

this is me at 16. (the red streaks are testament to my growing pains)


Wendy over at Red Boots has a series called "Dear 16 year old me."

this is what i emailed her, with my letter enclosed:

"forever i've been scribbling my letter for your series. I think tonight, on this cold winter night... i finally have it! so i'll share it with you and remember. I'll remember the road that led me to my happily ever after. I wish i could hug that girl i was... the one i have a hard time knowing. Let me introduce you to her by way of my 25 year old (and hopefully wiser!) self."

read my letter on Red Boots today and let me know what you think? it's a bit of a personal one so thanks for letting me share pieces of myself with you. xo

(and thanks Wendy for giving me the opportunity)

The Diaries of Adam & Eve / Mark Twain

i've always had this fascination with God's first creation. When i was little, i used to be so mad at Eve for ruining His perfection. I would see pictures of lions cuddling with lambs in my childhood Bible and i wished with all my might that it was still this way.

i had a crazy professor (as most smart college literary types are) who was such a character. He wore black socks with sandals and would jump up on the desk to prove a point in English Literature. He was a detailed grader and would write his notes in the margins of each paper you turned in, wanting so much for you to perfect your thoughts. For this, i will never forget my first A in his class- no notes... a perfect A. The paper? over "Paradise Lost" by John Milton.

during college, i also started seeing someone who was not mine to have.

[It is my one great regret in life.] I created an email for him to write me forbidden fruitless words of lust. My email account name was registered under Eve.

it is a story i know well.

While exploring the Book Shop, up in my arms went a book i have always wanted by the brilliant Mark Twain.

Extracts from Adam's Diary

Ten Years Later

"After all these years, I see I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning;

it is better to live outside the Garden with her than

inside it without her."

-pg 89

"I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened."

I think some of the greatest movie scripts ever written was "Elizabethtown." Here are some of my faves:

Drew Baylor: Because we have a moment here, let me tell you that I have recently become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? I've started collecting these looks.

Claire Colburn: Sadness is easier because its surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free. {last night, amid boxes and with my equally depressed dog- i danced with one hand free. It may have been with tear-stained cheeks and wine in my system, but i remembered this line.}

Jessie Baylor: This loss will be met with a hurricane of love.

Sometimes we are faced with a frustrating moment and life's problems seem overwhelming. You feel like a failure. It can seem so consuming. Lovies, if you are ever feeling that way, I suggest you watch this movie. Elizabethtown.

Because as Kirsten Dunst's character says in this really lovely piece of cinema:

Claire Colburn: So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling.



Lately, i've been filled with guilt. absolute shame. sadness.

but somewhere deep inside of even me is courage.

....

image via (NO) sex and the city

"I get by with a little help from my friends"

"Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love."

- Jane Austen

image via we heart it.

My M. Thank-you for letting me come to you.

for your words of comfort and hope.

for always always being there, me a perfect stranger.

because to you, i can tell all.

i've only known you awhile, and i owe you so much.

why is it Mom's always know? They do. My momma always does. Today at lunch, she looked at me and asked if i had been crying. When i said that i hadn't, she said, "your eyes always tell the truth."

I am so thankful for you all. For your sweet concern. perhaps, soon i can say out loud my faults. i'm not strong enough right now. i'm not brave enough. i'm not without a little spark of hope and i'm never without prayer.

i know that in two nights i'm losing my best friend and boyfriend for awhile.

i know i'm not ready for that.

i know that i'm not silly enough to think that a lot can't happen in a couple of months to change things.

{oh if life was only so simple. if only I was that simple.}

i know i have a lot of growing up to do (even at 25) and i hope this time will allow me that.

i know i'm scared.

"Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken

Do it with a heart wide open..."

my apology: how i'm feeling.

images here.

i have no excuse.

Casa Di M

our mantle above the fireplace.

i noticed in all our pictures we weren't facing the camera... i was either cuddling his face, or we were kissing.

it also holds our first bottle of wine we ever shared.

"oh let's go back to the start..." - coldplay

sweetness from my boy.

darling friend leaves in the middle of the night for work.

we got in a little [okay pretty big] fight last night. :(

we are chatting on gmail and he just said this to me:

"when i left, i sat down beside you and touched your arm...you were asleep, so i just sat there with you for a minute."

simple words but it just touched my heart.

I'm sooo sorry for our fight.

I'm sorry I'm hard headed and didn't hug you immediately instead.

Forgive me?

love you mostly. xo

The Other Woman.

I couldn't wait to watch Elizabeth Edwards on Oprah last week. Talk about a strong woman. As Oprah quipped, "You belong to a club that a million women unfortunately belong to."

Elizabeth seemed uncomfortable, and no blaming there. She had agreed to do the interview if the other woman's name was NEVER mentioned.

I'm reading a fabulous book i CAN NOT put down that i can't wait to share with you on Thursday. It's painful to read... physically/emotionally hurts when i read these words that seem to have come from my own broken heart; the author describes it so well.

So here's my Confession: I was the other woman.

Granted, their marriage didn't work out *NOT* because of me, and she chose to end it on her own agenda. In fact, he was devasted. A big detail to this is, honestly I never assumed that "we" could be a possibility-- i never planned it or asked for it.

Sure, i was jealous when he'd say without realizing, "we're going on vacation" or "we've bought a new car" or "our dog".... but that's how it was. I knew this.

As the marriage was crumbling, I was there to try and pick up the pieces of him. I was there giving him hope-- and genuine hope--- this was scary to me, the whole unreal situation. I didn't think me and him would ever be a possibility.

After awhile, i thought, how can you be so blind and selfish to literally cry to me about her?

But i stayed. Even when i told him i didn't want to be his crutch and that he NEEDED to figure out his life before he spoke with me again in any kind of intimate sense.

He begged me not to. In fact, his words were, "I can't imagine losing you too. I couldn't handle it." So i stayed.

He divorced her for himself, not for me.

And somehow in the tangled web, we fell in love. Our love grew. OUT IN THE OPEN.

I was the other woman.

and the irony is, we didn't work out because i didn't want to give up what i saw in my future: marriage. He had walked that road and couldn't see doing it, maybe ever.

Out in the open, our love crashed. It burned. It burns me still. Sometimes i wish i had not stayed. That i had been stronger. How DIFFERENT my life would be.

More than the sadness i felt for our ending, is the anger i felt for the time i wasted, spent in secret. We FINALLY FINALLY had it, had a real relationship where we were that couple everyone envied cos of how happy we were. All that waste made me feel our love's death a thousand times worse.

"The Other Woman" by Jeff Buckley

The other woman finds time to manicure her nails
The other woman is perfect where her rival fails
And she's never seen with pin curls in her hair
The other woman enchants her clothes with french perfume
The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room

There are never toys that's scattered everywhere
And when her baby comes to call

He'll find her waiting like a lonesome queen
Cause when she's by his side
It's such a change from old routine

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

*pic here.

I am a work in progress.

I am ashamed of how i have behaved to the one i love.

The one that loves me, unconditionally, hardly any questions asked. The one that I am SO UNDESERVING of not just his love-- of his unexplainable adoration.

I have hurt him in the WORSE way.

I am not proud of myself.

I cried and cried... the big ugly cries.

I thought i was empty- but if i was so empty, how could so much pain outpour inside me.

AND STILL he held me.

He did not push me away, even though I know every bit of his body and heart wanted to.

He STILL wanted to reach his hand out to me, and pick me up.

To not give up on the hopelessness I am.

I don't deserve that.

He could have (and probably should have) left me naked and raw in my pain, and shut the door on me... on us, and not look back because he did NO WRONG in this. In us.

One can only be so patient and accept that I'm a mess/drink too much/and am sorry

for so long before it holds no meaning.

"How will this time be different?"

I just feel it can be. My heart tells me I can't take anymore of this-- let alone how YOU can't.

I can't imagine :(

I haven't respected myself.

I need to be better FOR ME, so that I can be for you.

I want to be good.

I need to be good.

I need to be healed... to be saved.

and...

You are all things good.

I want us to laugh again. Have fun again.

Not fight or cry because of my latest mistake.

I don't want to fall anymore.

We can't afford it.

You say it's simple.

It should be.

Why do i make it so complex?

because I am a complicated girl. I have always been :(

i flock to the fleeting.

it's not me.

i need to see the big picture... not just here and now.

it's not me who wants to live in the fleeting...

i want to live in ten years with the one i could build a good life with.

I'm not asking you to give me that sure-ness that we will be in some big city together

or have a charming small town life where we could hang our pictures at and build memories there...

but i do hope you can still see it.

And that you see ME there, across from you, telling you about my day.

the stumbling blocks are huge. Maybe unforgivable.

I need you to know that I KNOW that.

I don't expect them to be brushed under a pretty carpet.

I will own up to them.

I need you to know all this...

and that i love you.

P.S. you came and saw me and i asked you to breath air into me, before you left. You did :) and laughed. It was cute. sweet. needed.

*painting here.

I love her musings.

I've been a bit busy at work... haven't had the chance/inspiration on my own to write out my heart. BUT... i've been finding it in lovely blogs such as this one.

Her words hit home, and I thought of my older sister and (now) ex brother-in-law.

The poem also filled my heart with sorrow and hope-- an answer to my own heart-ache.

Here's a few pieces of it:

True Love Leaves No Traces

by L. Cohen

As the mist leaves no scar

On the dark green hill

So my body leaves no scar

On you and never will

True love leaves no traces

If you and I are one

It's lost in our embraces

Like stars against the sun

As a falling leaf may rest

A moment on the air

So your head upon my breast

So my breath upon your hair

And many nights endure

Without a moon or star

So we will endure

When one is gone and far

True love leaves no traces

If you and I are one

It's lost in our embraces

Like stars against the sun

for so long...

my two vices had been cigarettes and you...

sometimes both at the same time.


this is actually a terrible habit i picked up from you.
i wish i could quit both, cold turkey.


*i wish i knew how to quit you.

"I know I must be going
'Cause loves already gone
And all I'm taking with me are the pieces of my heart
And all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark..."

-Gary Allen, "Smoke Rings in the Dark."

*best line in "Brokeback Mountain. Really a great film.

We only have so much time to give.

My monday was pretty blue.

I was in a panic.

The song, "Good Enough" by Sarah McLachlan was in my head.

I felt sooo undeserving of his adoration.

But he met me at Starbucks.

I'm glad he did.

I saw this book as we were on our way to sit outside.

It caught my eye with it's beautiful, simple cover.

I opened this charming little book and rushed to the counter and bought it right then. I don't know why, but I immediately knew it would speak something to me. To us.

I read it to him, out loud, outside...

feeling a little silly at first, holding it out to the side like a school teacher.

and then i had to fight tears and the sound of my shaky voice.

I couldn't look at him because I knew that I would cry if i did.

"The fable revolves around a boy named Charlie, who, not content with his life, decides to pack up time — "big, bulky decades, squishy years, mushy months and raggedy days" — in a suitcase and leave home in search of something perfect to spend it on. He has to travel the world to discover that happiness is right in front of him."

*the illustrations were done by his brother. They
have a pretty cool story on how their story got
published.

the way we weren't.

I LOVE this girl called Kira's Tublr. LOVE IT.

That's where i saw this shirt.

Wouldn't it be great if you could wear this shirt with the one

and take a picture?

i picture mine in black and white...

i can see his expression.

i can see mine.

and have the shirts crisp white.

*i think that would make a great book. Depressing kind of, but beautiful in another... because we tried.

older men DO get married.

As always when I'm getting ready for work, I had on the Early Show in the background. I saw the clip of David Letterman announcing that he got married to his long time girlfriend.
*25* years and a 5-year-old later, the justice of the peace made it official.

Bruce Willis also tied the knot... smart move. Your model girlfriend-- er wife-- is GORGEOUS.



I've always loved Calista Flockhart, esp. as Kitty in "Brother's & Sisters." Harrison just popped the question. 7 and 1/2 years of dating.


He (my older ex) wasn't sure he wanted to get married again.
Or have kids.

Not that he necessarily didn't want those things with ME per say...
but wasn't sure he wanted them in general.

Maybe if i had waited 20 years I'd find out.
I'm cynical today after seeing these stories ONE after THE OTHER.

Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair.

finders, keepers.

gmail status: "micaela has lost her heart... again."

my little sister to me: "call it. :) "

me: "what?"

little sister: "your status....... You'll find it."

*she was talking about my heart.

Thanks dearest seester :) I think I will.

Upon telling darling friend that, he said, "what's the number?"

both very cute.

we've all been there.

one of my exes who's still a good friend blackberry messaged me yesterday to say he got some news today. The sordid economy affected him- he had been (in his words) terminated. I asked him if he needed to talk because i was about to go to bed- but of course would be there for him. He assured me that he would recover, he always does... the question was when/how. He was on his way to go out drinking with a friend and had already started the process.

then he said [as what happens when we drink and feel let down by the world] he wished he had been different when it counted. There was something sweet and still yet so final about that last line. When it counted.

Think about it...
those words just stuck out to me.

I told him i wished a lot of things.
Don't we all have someone we wish we could say that to?
the thing about love is that it's such a vicious cycle.
I couldn't say it back to him, and mean it.

but to another... to the one:
I wish i had been different when it counted too.