Wanting To Know You Wens.

thanks to the fun feedback from this post, I thought I'd ask another question to get to know you dearest readers better.

this week, i want to know how you would describe yourself in 3 words.

i'll go first:

1.) Random

2.) Passionate

3.) Vegetarian

(Max once answered "charming" for me when i asked him. how did i get so lucky?)

can't wait to read your answers! xo

when we went to pick up my nieces last weekend at the DFW airport, we stopped at Chick-fil-A (they don't have one where we live yet so it's a must when we got to Dallas) and the cow was there. I took this picture, joking with the cow that I don't eat him or his friends.

P.S. That's my Anna Karina shirt from Every Little Counts that i was lucky to win. I love their stuff.

Gratitude.

the pretty Faiza over at It's Gonna Be A Lovely Day never fails to make me smile. She is simply one of those genuine souls. She guest posted for our friend Meghan over at The Perfect Compilation Tape and challenged us to practice gratitude by making a list of 5 things that we are thankful for today.

1.) being an auntie and my auntie.

2.) unconditional love that includes puppy kisses & cuddles from my maverick.

3.) my excitement for this : my favorite book in the series.

4.) all the lovely letters/emails i got from across the world when i needed kindness the most. (i can not thank you enough xo)

5.) the best for last... my best, my darling.

What are you thankful for today? Practice Gratitude and link up on her post here.

(speaking of my #1, i'm taking my nieces walking and then playing with sidewalk chalk)

'So,' said Estella, 'I must be taken as I have been made. The success is not mine, the failure is not mine, but the two together make me.' - Great Expectations

when i was 12, i remember cute older boys telling me i'd grow up to be a heartbreaker.

i remember listening to Billy Joel's "She's Every Woman to Me" on roadtrips when i was younger and thinking i was going to grow up and be just like the girl he was singing about.

i didn't grow up with a Miss Havisham -- i don't know where i got the idea that getting any kind of attention equaled a gift i had. But there i was at an early age knowing how to smile, what to say. How to flirt.

It came to me naturally, just like the attention.

I've got a past that is so dark and twisty but most of all sad...

because even though i thought i was going to be a heartbreaker and may have broken hearts along the way...

the worse heart i broke was mine.

Finn: What's it like not to feel anything?

Estella: Let's say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear... let's say she was taught to fear daylight. She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her. And then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play and she won't. You can't be angry at her can you?

Finn: I knew that little girl and I saw the light in her eyes, and no matter what you say or do, that's still what I see.

because i love the scruff...

my darling took this pic on his iphone for me before he shaved again.

i might have swooned.

how did i get so lucky?

i can't wait to see you!!!! hurry to me. i just want to hug and kiss you.



(sorry my lovies that i've been busy playing auntie. it's a role i absolutely delight in.)

“Only an Aunt can give hugs like a mother, can keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend.” -spanish proverb

my italian bambinas, Marina & Sophia.

i can not wait to hug you tomorrow!

you know what? enough about me for a moment. tell me about you!

i want to know what your friends call you. how old are you? what do you do?  & where do you live?

in other words, i want to get to know you so allow me to be nosy?

i'll start:

My name is Micaela but my friends call me Mickey (my bestie calls me M).

I'm 26 as of this past March.

I just quit a job with J.Crew but before that, I worked in PR for my hometown (my dream job).

I live in Virginia but right now i'm home at my parents in my beloved Texas.

your turn! xoxo

i'm excited to hear your answers lovies!!!

(I want to even hear from you readers who hardly comment because even you-- especially you-- i want to know. Thank you for your quiet support)

image : my polaroid blog.

take me back to the start.

"Remember, Remember, this is now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it.

I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted."

-Sylvia Plath

it's late. and i can't sleep because all i can do is miss you and remember...

all the little things i took for granted.

like our carefree afternoons we spent together every day nearly 3 years ago. (below : you're biting my stockinged knee and i took a photograph to remember)

the way you used to look at me.

oh God, what have i done...

i wish i could wake up back in 2008 and do it all differently.

we might have even been married by now with our m&ms.

you might have always looked at me in that unguarded way.

i might have made you proud.

made you 100% happy.

instead of telling you 100 and 100% i am SORRY.

I always felt the beauty of this cover was the last part... how she made "take me back" sound like a plea. It is my plea tonight. It is my plea every day.

a bit late...

an email i wrote my pappa before my earlier than expected flight home:

"I will be home tomorrow, earlier than planned just to let you know. I need your prayers... Life is so much harder isn't it? (Or I make it that way). So we'll see... But I just wanted to let you know. I love you!  xo"

his reply:

"My prayers are with you, Micos. Trust in God and not yourself. Do not let your pride be an obstacle. Be safe. See you soon. Love, Dad"

a belated Happy Father's Day to a Pappa who doesn't ask, just loves and hopes and believes in me even when i don't.

Who carries me, just as he did when i was little.

restart my heart?

(image : restart my heart)

"I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward." - Bronte

I should be packing. But in need of a break, i went down to the mailbox and inside was the most beautiful gift of comfort from a lovely girl across the world. From Tillie:

"Dear Micaela, No matter what is going on there are some things that never let us down. I like to think Jane Eyre is one of these things. A friend of mine gave me this when I was going through a rough time. I thought you might like to hold onto it for a little while. It was first gifted to Joy for Christmas in 1915. I think you can smell the history in the pages."

i started crying. 

Right there, clutching this beautiful book that has comforted another and of all coincidences, started in the hands of a girl named Joy. 

i shall hold onto it for awhile then, beautiful friend. THANK-YOU. And i hope when the time comes that i package it to send off to you again, that i shall do so with a smile of absolute contentment. 

"Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt? May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonized as in that hour left my lips; for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love"


 -Jane Eyre

where to begin?

hello my sweetest friends. I know it's been forever and i'm sorry it has been... i have immersed myself in books and films (woody allen, oh he's the secret to forgetting for a few hours).

but there is no real comfort like home is there?

that in tears i can call my momma and she doesn't even ask me why i'm crying, only hears that i am and lets me know that everything will be fine.

it's what i need. My momma. Her comfort. 

and so tomorrow i will pack a suitcase for a flight on thursday that will take me to my beloved Texas for a few weeks... to heal and to laugh with my family and friends again. To continue on this journey of forgiving myself, and to give my darling the space he needs. 

that last part? hurts my heart more than i can tell you, and yet i understand why.

we had planned to go to Texas in July when my family will be in town (including my darling nieces and nephew from Italy & Germany-- i can't wait to feel their hugs!!!) but i will be just going earlier than planned and pray with all my heart that he decides to meet me there. 

that is the latest my lovies. (oh, and i quit my job... there's that) 

I promise to try and get back to "regular" postings soon, so thank-you for being so understanding and supportive. While i'm home, i fully intend on catching up on all of your lives! i've missed you.

As upside down as my life is right now, know that i'm never without hope. Never. & there's so much i'm already doing to better myself that i'm excited about... like running more often; finding a job that doesn't make me miserable and helps others; read more; shop less... little things. 

and not so little things, but that's between me and my future husband, whoever he is. 

(i hope i already know who "he" is)

i can tell you one thing i do know for sure... i can't wait to hug my twinkie!

what if.

..."Then came the most difficult part.


"Show me your shame," I asked my mind. Dear God, the horrors I saw then. A pitiful parade of all my failings, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance. I didn't blink from any of it, though. "Show me your worst," I said. When I tried to invite these units of shame into my heart, they hesitated at the door, saying, "No-- you don't want me in there... don't you know what I did?" and I would say, "I do want you. Even you. I do. Even you are welcome here. It's OK. You are forgiven. You are part of me. You can rest now. It's over."


When all this was finished, I  was empty....


I looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and I saw its capacity. I saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even having taken in and tended o these calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more. Its love was infinite..."


pg 327-328.

i finished "Eat Pray Love" a few days ago and i instantly panicked. This book had changed me and now what?

i felt stronger, empowered where i was broken but this is only inside myself. How can i show that to the man i love? the man who (unblamingly) is trying to decide if i'm worth the pain, anger, shame i have caused him.

i'm terrified of his answer because i have never wanted anything more in my life than him.

Happy Birthday to my Pappa!!!!

who would have known that this cute little tot in Mexico City would one day be the proud father of six?

Happy Birthday Pappa!!!! I love you so much!!!

every birthday, my pappa would sing, "Put another candle on my birthday cake, then a wish a wish i'll make! put another candle on my birthday cake, I'm another year old today!"

i wish i was home to hear him sing it. xo

i needed a day off.

i needed a day off of life. So i called in around 5 in the morning (and if you know me, you know i'm by no means a morning person but i hadn't really slept that good last night).

instead of working, i got a pedicure (metallic silver) & went to my favorite book shop.

that's where i found this gem.

there are so many coincidences about this sweet love letter from Henry to his "wifie."

i love finding old notes in books wondering who they were intended for and why. Could i have found a more perfect treasure?

Henry... this is exactly what I want.

what a perfect little gift of love.


(thank you for all your heart-felt and genuine emails/comments. i can't tell you how much they mean to me-- more than you'll ever know. For now, i have no energy to talk about "it"-- so please forgive my silence and know how much you are so greatly appreciated! x)

For awhile I tried...

Dear Future Husband,

I thought i knew who "you" were. Maybe I still have a lot to learn. 

You will laugh cos you can't believe the obstacles i went through to get to you. 

Husband, my world is crumbling. Right this very second.

You have no idea. {Maybe you dropped something in your steady hands and got a feel for your future wife's pain and didn't even realize.} 

dearest husband, i need to stop settling for anything less than butterflies. Dearest Husband, i am making a vow-- even before i know you-- to have a relationship with myself and admit OUT LOUD my downfalls. It's a hard thing to do--- but i am done pretending. I am yearning for something more, something lasting. Dear Husband, you should know that your wife... your wife prayed for you. She did. She walked away from something unhealthy, as much as it hurt her to, she did. She did for you. Because dearest husband, you deserve me--- the real me, the me free from guilt/free from shame, READY, ready to take on this life with you. TO LET GO OF EVERYTHING ELSE.

Oh my dearest husband, please hug me again because i have waited patiently and impatiently for your embrace.

and husband? that's all i need. your embrace. your unguarded embrace. In that embrace i find love, understanding, consolation... because my God you've been there too. YOU GET ME. It is all i ever wanted in life. I love you future husband, more than you'll ever know....

so please hurry up and save me? 

"Darling, it’s alright
She said at the end of a fight
Don’t let the money and strain
Play us a fools again

For a while I tried
For a while I won
For a while I held your hand
In the setting sun

Honey, it’s ok
I said at the end of a day
We’ll find a place to go
Somewhere there’s no one we know

For a while I tried
For a while I won
For a while I held your hand
In the setting sun

For a while I tried
For a while I won
For a while I held your hand
In the setting sun

For a while I tried
For a while I won
For a while I held your hand
In the setting sun

For a while I tried
For a while I won
For a while I held your hand
In the setting sun"


-Sleeper Car, "Wednesday Nights" (please google it, it's beautiful and my saving grace in this abyss)

I am unredeemable.

a note: i have the urge to hit delete on this. It may be too much to understand, if you've never been there, and that's fine. But this is my heart on my sleeve.


For the longest time, I felt like my broken relationship defined me. It gave me a crutch to be a victim and have an excuse for my careless actions. It was who I accepted I was... that girl. I thought (and earnestly hoped) that a good guy who loved me for my light and regardless of my darkness (cos God knows he tried) would be enough to magically change me over night. No work on my part.

... that it would happen because it was meant to happen.

and now, and now when i'm seeing it all clearly--- that it doesn't work like that; that i have to want it bad enough to work on me --- it may be too late to save what i have broken.

i believe in God's plan for my life. I think there's a reason, He waited so long for me to find a book by chance in a book shop far away from my home. A book i had been wanting to read but never picked up.

But there it was... on a shelf in a shop that doesn't usually carry new bestsellers.

(this is a sign, i believe in those, you just have to listen)

in these pages, i have found myself. my glorious failings. My defects.

i know this sounds crazy, dear readers. but hear me out.

i wasn't kidding when i said that this book could possibly change my life. It already has. I feel it inside myself, somewhere i can't even pin point to except possibly in my heart that is so heavy burdened with damage-- the worse kind of damage; the self-inflicted kind.

dear readers, if you never pick this book up off the shelves then consider this my gift to you:

sooo many of it's pages are dog eared in my copy (and i'm not even done yet) but yesterday when i was so sick with grief and emptiness, these lines were there. I needed them at that exact moment. If you have ever been this lost, this hard on yourself... if you've ever been good at brooding about a relationship that is clearly not healthy for you... then these words are for you.


pg 182-185



"I was unredeemable. And this unredeemed dark hole was still inside me. Even in moments of happiness and excitement (especially moments of happiness and excitement) I could never forget it for long... And that felt like it would never change, never release...


"One of these days this has to end," I said. "I just wish I knew how." 


....


INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM


1.  Life's metaphors are God's instructions.


2.  There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.


3.  The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.


4.  Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out-- on the outside and on the inside.


5.  With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.


6.  With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.


7.  Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.


8.  Watch the heat of the days pass into cool nights. Let go.


9.  When the  karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.


10.  When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy. 




...Then I shut my eyes and I said, "Dear Lord, please show me everything I need to understand about forgiveness and surrender."

a pezzi-- in pieces.

dear lovies, today is monday and usually a mail time post. I got some wonderful mail in this week (thank you sweethearts!!!) and even meant to share the prettiest vintage exchange saturday...

but right now all i want to do-- and need to do -- is eat greasy italian take-out with my fiance and watch some old films we've had on our netflix queue.


enjoy your new weeks my darlings, and take time to do the little things (like eating greasy take-out) and the big things (like letting go) that make life so so important.

Sharing Sundays... Eli and Toggle.

I'm quite enamored with the world of Eli and Toggle. Her blog is filled with gorgeous photographs she takes with her Diana. (check out this diana scavenger hunt she participated in. Don't you just love her picks?) 

Another way she steals my heart is posting about lovely etsy shops, and awesome swaps like The Envelope Project and Rhianne's Photo Swap.

Eli and Toggle are going to be opening an Etsy soon. I can't wait! see those colourful purses up there? They made them (each made with authentic italian leather)

also...

yup!!! Eli emailed to tell me thanks to your fabulous comments, it prompted her to host a giveaway on her blog. Up for grabs? 3 of their beautiful Diana Mini Shots!!! Click here for details.

"My sister taught me everything I really need to know, and she was only in sixth grade at the time."

 

Happy Birthday to my beautiful older seester, Maria Luisa! 


She was the fun older sister i always wanted to be and now an even lovelier Mom to my two darling nieces.

what would yours say?

"art first, then furniture."

that was the belief of this house owner. i always lived with various room mates or that boyfriend; never acquiring furniture of my own.

the one thing i always had was art.

i love this framed piece.

i am a talker, but more than anything i accidentally without realizing tend to interrupt people. i don't mean to, honest! but something will remind me of another personal situation and without thinking i eject like i'm going to forget it. it's one of my glorious faults.



so mine would say, "I must not interrupt." 

circa domino feb 2009

wish list: glitteratti.

today's wish list is inspired by these j.crew glittery flats i love. (besides my various moccs, they're really the only pair of flats i own)

                

                      

from the top: sexy golden sequin dress from the good bad (very carrie, me thinks!), galaxy purse from j.crew,  vintage cat eyeglasses from collectable spectacles, pink sparkle tags from steady wings studio,  elvis glitter portrait from glitter mortis.

can a girl really have too much glitter? i love my glitter eye shadow from target's sonia kashuk line. A little dash of sparkly always makes me smile.

play along on wish list wednesday on Dinosaur Toes.

Ashton Kutcher WHO?!

BEYOND AWESOME. BEYOND.



my friend Netti emailed this link to me, saying this ad has been running in Germany. I may have watched it 20x in one sitting.


i put this as my facebook link yesterday and my sweet Mom called me up to say that she wanted to see it bigger-- so she followed the link to youtube and did i know that i could search Robbie Williams on Youtube?!

bless her heart. Like the love for Elvis that she gave me, i gave her a love of Robbie Williams.

{My precious Mom is just discovering facebook/youtube} She went on to say that she couldn't get enough of watching Robbie Williams but added   :insert cute filipino accent:  "he is Nasty!!!" 

Mom, you are the cutest. xo

Postal Service.

i was in need of some new address labels. I just purchased these off Kumquat Designs. What do you think?

incoming:

^delicious chocolates along with Hosanna Lee's first letter to me. (i love her name!) She lives in Abu Dhabi (SATC fans, ahem) but sent me a hello from Manchester where she was studying. I love the map envelope!

^a sweet catch up note from Elaine

^a book from Laurnie (generated from this awesome post of hers- there's still some awesome books to be had!) //  the funniest little card from Lindsey in NYC that says, "Mauve was peeved. Her 3:30 yoga class was full again. Didn't anybody work in this town?"  i giggled! //  always a great letter from Belen // and a sweet card from Courtney- my real life friend from Texas who moved to Oregon and is a new mommy to the most beautiful baby girl.

^my favorite postcrossings: italian woman from Washington // a Berndston from Finland with a lovely message.




outgoing:

i realize i never showed you what i sent in Pip's accessory swap. I got fellow beautiful Texan Holly. I went to one of my mecca's (Target) and picked up a b&w clutch/wallet that reminded me of her blog title, the Lace Masquerade, a headband, and a 80's madonna-esq necklace.

^boots postcard for Erika & true love one for Cole. i think diana's lingerie print went to Holli as a thankyou for my etsy purchase.

^Beautiful Faiza got my little package & wrote the sweetest thank you. 

^card to courtney (court- i ordered you something off etsy for zoe & I CAN NOT WAIT til you get it! the lovely etsy seller is going to send it directly to you with a note from her "auntie micaela"-- it's precious!!!) // postcard to lindsey that reminded me of her.

^reply to Sophie in Australia // Justine

^Postcard to Netti in Germany (who loves comics)  //  reply to Tesra 

^reply to Belen (who once wrote a "dear future husband" post regarding the film i put on her envelope) // postcards for Summer going to her new NYC apartment! Summer- i promise there's no erotic postcard in there *ha!!! inside joke* // reply little parcel to Hosanna

^a postcard i made L. Scott (even though she doesn't share my love for BIG) i just really love this photograph of my favorite fictional couple.

oh, how i love hand written letters. 

the end.