"Wouldn't it be lovely if we were old? We'd have survived all this."

one of my favorite love stories is the classic "The Way We Were." This film never fails to make my heart ache. I cry every single time Katie calls Hubblle in tears, begging him to come over.

If you've ever desperately loved someone, you want them to be the one to make it all better, even if they're the one that hurt you. You let them see you weak because they are your weakness. She says on the phone that she needed someone to talk to and it would be fine if she had a best friend, only he was her best friend.

i remember when my epic relationship failed, what hurt the most was losing my best friend. Even reading this post about my Hubbell... more than a year later & in such a better place in my life... it still makes me cry for how alone i felt in that moment. That aching realization of the weight of what is lost.

i am a Katie girl.

Complicated... often times too much and when i love, "i'm deaf, dumb, and blind."

i believe that sometimes two people can love each other so much and it still not work out, no matter how hard you try.

Katie Morosky Gardner: You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or to love you as much.

Hubbell Gardner: I know that.

Katie Morosky Gardner: Well then why?

Hubbell Gardner: Do you think if I come back its going to be okay by magic? What's going to change? What's going to be different? We'll both be wrong, we'll both lose.

Katie Morosky Gardner: Couldn't we both win?

Things I wish I could have told 16 year old me.

this is me at 16. (the red streaks are testament to my growing pains)


Wendy over at Red Boots has a series called "Dear 16 year old me."

this is what i emailed her, with my letter enclosed:

"forever i've been scribbling my letter for your series. I think tonight, on this cold winter night... i finally have it! so i'll share it with you and remember. I'll remember the road that led me to my happily ever after. I wish i could hug that girl i was... the one i have a hard time knowing. Let me introduce you to her by way of my 25 year old (and hopefully wiser!) self."

read my letter on Red Boots today and let me know what you think? it's a bit of a personal one so thanks for letting me share pieces of myself with you. xo

(and thanks Wendy for giving me the opportunity)

once upon a time...

i used to sniff him in the morning and smile.
i told him he smelt like sleep.

"His tall, lanky body had the wrinkles of sleep, and he smelled like
cotton & dreams."

-Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

pic via le love.

The Other Woman.

I couldn't wait to watch Elizabeth Edwards on Oprah last week. Talk about a strong woman. As Oprah quipped, "You belong to a club that a million women unfortunately belong to."

Elizabeth seemed uncomfortable, and no blaming there. She had agreed to do the interview if the other woman's name was NEVER mentioned.

I'm reading a fabulous book i CAN NOT put down that i can't wait to share with you on Thursday. It's painful to read... physically/emotionally hurts when i read these words that seem to have come from my own broken heart; the author describes it so well.

So here's my Confession: I was the other woman.

Granted, their marriage didn't work out *NOT* because of me, and she chose to end it on her own agenda. In fact, he was devasted. A big detail to this is, honestly I never assumed that "we" could be a possibility-- i never planned it or asked for it.

Sure, i was jealous when he'd say without realizing, "we're going on vacation" or "we've bought a new car" or "our dog".... but that's how it was. I knew this.

As the marriage was crumbling, I was there to try and pick up the pieces of him. I was there giving him hope-- and genuine hope--- this was scary to me, the whole unreal situation. I didn't think me and him would ever be a possibility.

After awhile, i thought, how can you be so blind and selfish to literally cry to me about her?

But i stayed. Even when i told him i didn't want to be his crutch and that he NEEDED to figure out his life before he spoke with me again in any kind of intimate sense.

He begged me not to. In fact, his words were, "I can't imagine losing you too. I couldn't handle it." So i stayed.

He divorced her for himself, not for me.

And somehow in the tangled web, we fell in love. Our love grew. OUT IN THE OPEN.

I was the other woman.

and the irony is, we didn't work out because i didn't want to give up what i saw in my future: marriage. He had walked that road and couldn't see doing it, maybe ever.

Out in the open, our love crashed. It burned. It burns me still. Sometimes i wish i had not stayed. That i had been stronger. How DIFFERENT my life would be.

More than the sadness i felt for our ending, is the anger i felt for the time i wasted, spent in secret. We FINALLY FINALLY had it, had a real relationship where we were that couple everyone envied cos of how happy we were. All that waste made me feel our love's death a thousand times worse.

"The Other Woman" by Jeff Buckley

The other woman finds time to manicure her nails
The other woman is perfect where her rival fails
And she's never seen with pin curls in her hair
The other woman enchants her clothes with french perfume
The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room

There are never toys that's scattered everywhere
And when her baby comes to call

He'll find her waiting like a lonesome queen
Cause when she's by his side
It's such a change from old routine

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

*pic here.

"While you're trying to figure it all out, God is working it all out."

"Don't lose church," He said to me at the end. Almost pleading, almost warning.

It was the best thing we shared [more than love].

It was like a date every sunday morning. Us and God.

It was beautiful.

I am not a morning person. But he always made sure I got up for church or else, he would leave me :) He was that devoted in going. So devoted he put up with my grouchiness. With my messy hair....

all so we could worship together. There is nothing like the power you feel when you are holding hands with the one you love and you are sharing God.

When we ended...

it was hard for me to find courage to go to church again.

Isn't that silly? courage to stand alone... to sit in the pew alone.

To not notice people looking at me and maybe wondering where he was.

I didnt want to cry when we sang songs we both enjoyed.....

So i stopped going.

just like that.

I felt incomplete. I felt ashamed. I felt scared God would punish me even more for not going. More than that... I needed him. I needed GOD.

I needed church.

And like a sign from God, when I went back after such an absence, we sang "Here I am to Worship." My favorite song.. it was our favorite song. And I sang it proudly and with a smile. He wasn't next to me anymore, and I was fine. I felt empowered. Because God had never left my side.

"Light of the world, You stepped down into darkness. Opened my eyes, let me see.
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You..."

U2 WAY

All right, EVERYONE knows my excitement about U2 being on Letterman all night this week [Nagita, thanks for asking me how it was!!! :) ]

Text from C:

"U2 Way is a new street name in NYC! Mayor unveiled it today! Where the streets have no name?! Really?! Lol!"

Me: "That is SOOO COOL! you thought of me! :)"

C: "Of course I did!"

Me: "Me and Bono, we're like this. *crossing fingers."

C: "Haha! You should have known already that it was happening! Lol! It must have slipped his mind last time you guys talked!"

Me: "Hahaha! Just like he failed to tell me he'd be in "Across the Universe!" Poopoachoo! :)"

C: "Haha! You're funny!"

*back story here: When we saw "Across the Universe," it took me a second to see that it was Bono until i heard him. C would NOT let me live that down because he knew RIGHT away. I didn't see the nose!!! I'm sorry Bono! And i always would sing, "Poop-poop-achu" instead of "goo g'joob" [though we heard it as "koo koo kachu!] in "I am the Walrus."

enough. enough.

it hasn't really been that long, but it feels like an eternity since i've spoken to C.
of course my mind wonders to him from time to time... but blessedly, not often and not for long.
honestly it's more so about how wrong i was to him in our relationship. This makes my heart sad to no end. Worse, that i may never get the chance to tell him how so.

.....

we got in a minor misunderstanding via email this morning and at one point i was infuriated.
i hated him and i wanted to hate him...


but then i didn't.

true, it seems easier to be bitter than sad...
i can almost feel myself get cold about it all.
i don't want to be like that.

the other day i found a cute little note he had once written me, a prayer before i ate the snack he packed for me when i was working in the middle of the night.
the little things we often forget/take for granted.
i thought, "how quickly words are forgotten."
by the person who wrote them, and the one they were written for.

i don't want to harbor any ill feelings to this person i loved.
i still will always wish the best for him, and i hope he can be happy for me.

i think we can end bitter sweetly on the last line of his email,
"Thank you for all you did for me."

i don't think i could ever tell him how much that means to me.

*pic here

the exchange.

he stopped by my work with lola so we could exchange a few things we had of each others.
it was quick (the length of a cigarette)
and a little strange.
i was sad holding lola. That broke my heart.
i knew i would hug him afterwards and tell him to take care of himself.

i did that.

there was no long hug
no kiss on the cheek
no last kiss.

there was letting go.

but i realized how strange it is to stand across a person you shared a home and bed, laughter- and LIFE - with for years... how strange it is to not be allowed to touch their face absent-mindedly... this was not our usual cigarette break, where he would tell me to have a nice day and i would tell him i'd see him at home later.

the part that hurts is to think that my best friend will some day be a stranger to me.
that... that part hurts.

nobody can say we didn't try.

This is a letter I wish to give to C.
Maybe he will stumble across this, and I hope he does.
I would just email it to him, but I know he may find his way over to my little blog when he is ready. I was never shy of expressing my love for this man. Never. I was good at it.

So I don't mind sharing it with you lovies, because you are such support. Such beautiful support. This little space on the internet is for me, and for my thoughts. I hope to always expose myself so raw & genuine. That is my reason for posting this....

On new years eve, i woke up after drunkenly falling asleep after you slammed the door and left.
i was scared you wouldn't be home when i opened the door leading to the living room.
But there you were... sleeping on the couch.
and my heart fell...

happy?
yes... but also sad.

You looked so peaceful sleeping... and i was sad that only a few hours earlier we were in a rage...

i cried and knelt by you and shook to wake you up, hoping you'd go to bed without a fight.
you woke up and kind of smiled and said, "hi naked girl..."
for a second, i don't think you remembered what had happened earlier on this awful night.
it felt like a bad dream.... i prayed that it was.
you went to bed with me and i knew even then... in the morning everything would be all different.

i'm sorry.
i'm sooo sorry.
i wish i could spend the rest of my life telling you so.

i wanted so badly to take care of you.

But even if i believe right NOW that i'd rather go on "passing you in the halls" and settling in our comfortable life...
my family... [our family]
i know it would hurt a 10000 times more later.

we love each other enough to let go.

i'm thankful for that.

thank you for loving me.
thank you for trying with me.
thank you for going to see coldplay with me.
thank you for letting me into your home.
thank you for making me laugh.
thank you for holding me when i went to bed.
thank you for spinning me around on the dance floor.
thank you.

take care of lola for me.

talk about her Mommy from time to time? tell her that her mommy loves her and there's an ache where she isn't.

take care of you.

"So, if you see me walkin' down the street, baby don't turn away.I just
wanna see your smilin' face lookin' my way."
-Texas Angel

I requested this song the night of our best memory before the end. This night I will remember as complete fun with this amazing person I had next to me. You were impressed by how fast the song played after I made my way to the band. You were impressed with my improved country dancing. "Dip me, spin me, put me under the air vents!!!!," I laughed. Such a beautiful and perfect night.

"We had a lot of fun," you said on our last afternoon, "No one can say we didn't try."

Nope, C, I don't believe they can.

his family.

This is my favorite thing we own. His grandmother crocheted their last name gorgeously, don't you agree?

I would love to give this to our daughter someday... ;)

This is an end table with a mesh of our lives...
We found that framed photo (top left) of his father while digging up the Christmas tree. He looks like his Dad. :) I wish I could have known him...
I would guess that's where he gets his wit, his looks, and his charm.

one of my favorite stories of C's family is one he told me about his Mom. He said that her Dad would take the light from a firefly and place it on her finger like a diamond. How darling!!!

A peek inside our space...

Saturday me and the boy decided to clean.

I will be the first to admit, I will never make the perfect house-wife cos I am much too spoiled and such a scatter brain... but i actually had fun cleaning because it needed to get done, but also... i was doing it with C. We are a team.

Surprisingly, i love to clean the bathroom and i don't mind doing dishes. Btw, I believe whole-heartily in the Mr. Clean Magic Erasers & the toilet wand.

Since I was breaking in my new camera, I wanted to show you lovies that I FINALLY hung up my latest Etsy buys.

*ps... that's where i got the name of this blog. Dolce Vita= My Sweet Life.

And then some :

the lamp i got for free from work. The two faces, from a garage sale... it says "devotion" on it and the seller received it as a gift from her her then husband when they were in Greece. [hmm.. is that bad luck?]

This beauty i got at an estate sale for $25. I love it!!! it's over our bed. It looked vintage and yet kind of westerny/goth. Had to have it.

Tomorrow I will show you my fave little spot in our casa. xo

Horgela.

It's my family.
Our friends once called me & C that.

It's a combo of his last name and my first.

C took me out dancing this weekend. I was a dancing fool!!! ha
before we went out, i broke out the new camera...

can i just say i love it? it's instant happiness for me to capture our little moments.

This one is my fave!!! ha look at her tongue. She loves kissing her daddy :)

THANK YOU LOVER FOR THE BEST PRESSIE!!!!

THE tie.

Lover's main pressie from me was THE tie. Yes, the one my girl crush Jen Aniston wore in her now famous GQ magazine cover. I thought of the idea after we saw her give one to David Letterman. I made a mental note.

C is the main news anchor at a station here. Our first Christmas together, I gave him a tie and was SO excited when he wore it on air the first time. It sounds very little girl-ish, but it was a very big deal to me... i guess that's how Monica Lewinsky felt when Bill wore her tie. ;)

The bad thing is, i knew it wasn't going to come in time before Christmas. I bought the magazine and printed out the tie from the website and wrote, "Coming Soon to a mailbox near you..."

He was super suprised!!! I was so glad.

i did tell him on the letter that i "wanted the mag back, pls!" lol

ps... we went and saw Marley & Me and LOVED it. We cried like babies.

Text I woke up to, from lover: "Merry Christmas eve beautiful! Love you!"

AND i got hot chocolate brought to me.

Pretty sure this is the BEST way to wake up.
no actually... the BEST would have been to wake up with him still in bed with me ;) but our lola woke up early. We joked that even though she's a puppy, she's excited cos she's "tracking" Santa. lol

good thing C let "mommy" sleep in because I stayed up late wrapping gifts. I'm so ashamed to admit how late i waited to get my shopping done...
But.... It's done!

one more thing to get; an add-on to my Papa's gift. $25 to McDonalds. lol yes really. My Momma LOVES their Big Mac. Loves it. The last time they got into a tiff... not even flowers could do it. My smart Papa went and surprised her with a McDonald's breakfast before she woke up one morning and let me tell you-- that was the secret. Lover thought that would be a great inside joke :).

Here's my gifts for C. I am not the fanciest wrapper and i ran out of ribbon :P

I let him open his stocking today while we were outside sitting on the back porch. I bought him 2 fancy OSU ornaments for our tree. That's two of our Christmas traditions: The stocking- because my family was never big on stockings. The stockings are for small thoughtful gifts and the essentials. And two, I will always give him an ornament for our tree.

Do you have any sweet traditions? I'd love to hear!!!

For His Mom.

Ornaments of the baby boy she remembers taking care of lovingly.

Now the man I love who takes care of me, of my heart.

I hope she loves them as much as I do!

Look at my cute C! sigh.

ugly Christmas sweaters!

Happy Monday lovies!!!

lover and i went to watch a awesome hockey game with his co-anchor and her husband (lovely couple!) It was "wear an ugly christmas sweater" night. I was sad we didn't find anything frou-frou at Goodwill, so i quickly thought back to my SEARS retail days of high school and KNEW that was our best bet.

*we sent this pic to his Mom from his phone... you'd think Blackberry could do better. ;) so apologise for quality but you get the idea. Still hoping for that camera for Christmas... hehe

These aren't frou-frou by any extremes... BUT-- We wouldn't generally buy these so that means something right? Plus... C is wearing a women's XL so.. haha cardinals with gemstones = ugly enough.

Every time our team scored, we'd "rub the cardinals." :)

lovely game that had a big group fight & went into OT & we won. More than i can say for our beloved Dallas Cowboys :(

we went and drank it up to console ourselves over that one....

my "in-law." ;)

we were soooo excited when on lunch today we got a FedEx box from Vegas!!! which can only mean one thing: Christmas pressies from lover's SWEET mom!!! & his sister Julie. :)
They wrapped SOOO cute!!! isn't that one of the best thing about pressies? the thrill & excitement of unwrapping the lovely paper! Lover wasn't the only one who got spoiled! check out my goodies from his sweet Mom:

It's a cute Reebok bag for gym stuff. C pointed out there's stuff inside it, but I'm not allowed to open it. >:( lol not even on Christmas Eve.

Look! Lola even got something too :) It says, "To: Lola, From: Grandma." SOOO CUTE!!!!!

I've never met Chris' Mom in person, that's why all this means so much more to me. We almost met when I was in Arizona visiting my brother, and she lived in California. We've talked on the phone a couple of times, and I'm pretty sure we'll just hit it off. ;) I thank God for family! His has especially been spoiling us. His other sister and her family sent a Harry & David Gourmet Fruit/Jam/Chocolates box that we are planning to have a picnic in bed date with. :)

With All My Heart.

I got my GORGEOUS cards from BellaBella's Etsy store yesterday. I can not even tell you how perfect they are! And this one, was perfect for a "just because" gift to my lover.
We agree... it's about the small things.

Lover, I'm sorry I always steal your nice black dress socks. Forgive me?

*I highly reccomend visiting Tristan's Etsy shop. You won't be disappointed!

Lover needed a haircut.

He came and brought me my hairspray (seen on his car below) while i was at work cos i had a baby shower at noon + it was one of those mornings where you wake up 10 minutes BEFORE you have to be at work.
[also a firm believer "the higher the hair, the closer to God" espec in Texas! but not for men, ahem this post]
He pulled off his hat and told me to kiss his long hair good-bye.
i thought it was cute.

the result: pretty shabby baby!!!!!
scottye did fabulous!

I said it was okay...

but really it's not.
and i'm not.
and this isn't.


*sorry for these posts... just let me get... through it.
Whatever IT is.