Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I am a work in progress.

I am ashamed of how i have behaved to the one i love.
The one that loves me, unconditionally, hardly any questions asked. The one that I am SO UNDESERVING of not just his love-- of his unexplainable adoration.
I have hurt him in the WORSE way.

I am not proud of myself.
I cried and cried... the big ugly cries.
I thought i was empty- but if i was so empty, how could so much pain outpour inside me.

AND STILL he held me.
He did not push me away, even though I know every bit of his body and heart wanted to.

He STILL wanted to reach his hand out to me, and pick me up.
To not give up on the hopelessness I am.
I don't deserve that.

He could have (and probably should have) left me naked and raw in my pain, and shut the door on me... on us, and not look back because he did NO WRONG in this. In us.

One can only be so patient and accept that I'm a mess/drink too much/and am sorry
for so long before it holds no meaning.

"How will this time be different?"
I just feel it can be. My heart tells me I can't take anymore of this-- let alone how YOU can't.
I can't imagine :(

I haven't respected myself.
I need to be better FOR ME, so that I can be for you.

I want to be good.
I need to be good.
I need to be healed... to be saved.

and...

You are all things good.
I want us to laugh again. Have fun again.
Not fight or cry because of my latest mistake.
I don't want to fall anymore.
We can't afford it.

You say it's simple.
It should be.
Why do i make it so complex?


because I am a complicated girl. I have always been :(
i flock to the fleeting.

it's not me.
i need to see the big picture... not just here and now.
it's not me who wants to live in the fleeting...

i want to live in ten years with the one i could build a good life with.
I'm not asking you to give me that sure-ness that we will be in some big city together
or have a charming small town life where we could hang our pictures at and build memories there...

but i do hope you can still see it.
And that you see ME there, across from you, telling you about my day.

the stumbling blocks are huge. Maybe unforgivable.
I need you to know that I KNOW that.
I don't expect them to be brushed under a pretty carpet.
I will own up to them.
I need you to know all this...
and that i love you.
P.S. you came and saw me and i asked you to breath air into me, before you left. You did :) and laughed. It was cute. sweet. needed.

*painting here.

2 comments:

The Socialite said...

*BIG HUGS* I love how raw & honest you are about your feelings. I wish more people were like that. Thank you for sharing this. You'll pull through this!
I have to leave you with a great quote from The Reader...
"The more I suffer, the more I love. Danger will only increase my love, will sharpen it, will give it spice...You will leave life even more beautiful than you entered it. Heaven will take you back and look at you and say: "Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love."

:)

Ethan said...

Aw this makes me want to say Mickey, I love you.

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