Wednesday, January 14, 2009

the exchange.

he stopped by my work with lola so we could exchange a few things we had of each others.
it was quick (the length of a cigarette)
and a little strange.
i was sad holding lola. That broke my heart.
i knew i would hug him afterwards and tell him to take care of himself.

i did that.

there was no long hug
no kiss on the cheek
no last kiss.

there was letting go.

but i realized how strange it is to stand across a person you shared a home and bed, laughter- and LIFE - with for years... how strange it is to not be allowed to touch their face absent-mindedly... this was not our usual cigarette break, where he would tell me to have a nice day and i would tell him i'd see him at home later.

the part that hurts is to think that my best friend will some day be a stranger to me.
that... that part hurts.

5 comments:

P said...

Oh. So sad. These things are always terrible, but then they get better. They always, always do. Big hug.

Suzie said...

hey there i came across your blog, and oh my! the way you express yourself is so beautiful. I am so sorry that you had to go through heartache, I am so sorry.
I went through heart break as well; after three years of marriage he wanted divorce as soon as possible; oh how i cried! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!! im better now, and Thank God he did leave me, I devoted myself to God and prayed everyday and still do!THE POWER OF PRAYER IS AN AMAZING THING!! Yesterday was my boyfriend and I 1 year anniversary of dating, God gave me what i was asking for... a man not a boy with a big heart, a best friend... i know it hurts and so many people will tell you what is on their minds but no one knows what your going through except God, so talk to him, yell at him ( i know i did) tell him how you feel and thank him for what you are going through because something beautiful ALWAYS comes out of suffering! We just can't see what it is because God is still painting our canvas.... I hope this helps.

~Suzie

ps. I think you know Dandi Esquibel?... well i am dating her brother Jaeden :)... I would love to meet you in person one day since we live in the same town :)

Micaela said...

Suzie, I'm SO glad you found me. I'm curious to know how, but I'm glad you did :) your comment is THE BEST comment I have ever received. Honestly, this is why I write... why I put my heart and words out there; so that maybe someone else can read them and relate in some way and feel less alone or better- be filled with hope. You did that for me with your comment :) I do believe it, the power of prayer IS amazing. You are suuuch a sweet girl and I'm glad that our wonderful God blessed you! I KNOW he has plans for me :) and I hope love and happiness is in them.

Happy 1 year to you and Jaeden :) he's such a cutie!!! I adore dandi and haven't seen her in so long! will you tell her I said hi for me, please :) I totally agree, we def. should meet up!!! xo

Sandra said...

oh sis, I swear I felt a pang of sadness when I read this "how strange it is to not be allowed to touch their face absent-mindedly..." Just thinking about my dreamboat while reading that line really hurt. I don't think I could stand it. not now. hopefully not ever.

sharlyn emily said...

i wrote this a few months after my ending with my "hubble" (though i actually refer to him as my "big") it reminds me of exactly what you are talking about here:
GONE.

isnt it strange when people are no longer a part of your present?
when they change from what you once thought was your future to someone you no longer recognize..

nothing about it is black and white.. it is all covered up in one big grey cloud hovering over and you never really know what happened until it has passed.

nothing about it is clear. one night you were falling asleep in their arms, and then the next they were just a fond memory, and now.. now you can barely remember them at all.

you used to love their smell. now? you wouldnt even know it if they were right under your nose.

you used to love their touch. but now? it feels as if they never touched you at all.

everything about them is foreign. everything you used to hold dear is gone.
and you dont miss them at all.
its as if they never existed.

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