Monday, January 12, 2009

nobody can say we didn't try.

This is a letter I wish to give to C.
Maybe he will stumble across this, and I hope he does.
I would just email it to him, but I know he may find his way over to my little blog when he is ready. I was never shy of expressing my love for this man. Never. I was good at it.

So I don't mind sharing it with you lovies, because you are such support. Such beautiful support. This little space on the internet is for me, and for my thoughts. I hope to always expose myself so raw & genuine. That is my reason for posting this....

On new years eve, i woke up after drunkenly falling asleep after you slammed the door and left.
i was scared you wouldn't be home when i opened the door leading to the living room.
But there you were... sleeping on the couch.
and my heart fell...

happy?
yes... but also sad.

You looked so peaceful sleeping... and i was sad that only a few hours earlier we were in a rage...
i cried and knelt by you and shook to wake you up, hoping you'd go to bed without a fight.
you woke up and kind of smiled and said, "hi naked girl..."
for a second, i don't think you remembered what had happened earlier on this awful night.
it felt like a bad dream.... i prayed that it was.
you went to bed with me and i knew even then... in the morning everything would be all different.

i'm sorry.
i'm sooo sorry.
i wish i could spend the rest of my life telling you so.

i wanted so badly to take care of you.
But even if i believe right NOW that i'd rather go on "passing you in the halls" and settling in our comfortable life...
my family... [our family]
i know it would hurt a 10000 times more later.

we love each other enough to let go.
i'm thankful for that.

thank you for loving me.
thank you for trying with me.
thank you for going to see coldplay with me.
thank you for letting me into your home.
thank you for making me laugh.
thank you for holding me when i went to bed.
thank you for spinning me around on the dance floor.
thank you.

take care of lola for me.
talk about her Mommy from time to time? tell her that her mommy loves her and there's an ache where she isn't.

take care of you.

"So, if you see me walkin' down the street, baby don't turn away.I just
wanna see your smilin' face lookin' my way."
-Texas Angel

I requested this song the night of our best memory before the end. This night I will remember as complete fun with this amazing person I had next to me. You were impressed by how fast the song played after I made my way to the band. You were impressed with my improved country dancing. "Dip me, spin me, put me under the air vents!!!!," I laughed. Such a beautiful and perfect night.

"We had a lot of fun," you said on our last afternoon, "No one can say we didn't try."

Nope, C, I don't believe they can.

6 comments:

Meg said...

oh this was so beautiful. you're amazing and brave and a true example. thank you. thank you for not settling into something because it's easy.

FrankieBaby said...

This is wonderful...I almost cried when i got to the part about Lola because I just went through i big breakup a bit before new years & i had a dog that i loved so much & couldn't take with me. It's so hard not to miss them! :(

EliandMe said...

Oh M, I am sat here with tears rolling down my cheeks, but however heartbreaking the situation your positivity still shines through - you carry the hope of a better life in your heart, you are brave enough to let go, and I just know you are strong enough to make it happen. You are truly an inspiration x

Micaela said...

Thanks for your darling comments!!! Exactly my reason for sharing. Someday (and I hope not cos i don't wish heartache on anyone) if someone is going thru what i am now, i hope if they ever find their way to my blog, that they will feel less alone. More than anything, that they have the courage as we did to realize when to let go.

hugs to you all!!!! xo

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blogs, and I am impressed that you have the courage to put down your raw emotions into words for all eyes to see. Love a honey~ ader

Marisa said...

This the one M..... when I knew.

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