Tuesday: July 15, 2008 Broken Again.

Mood: Crushed

My life is in ruins again and it's all self-inflected.
Why does love die? and always a slow and painful death...
and you lose parts of yourself more than gaining.
I guess at the beginning anyway.
Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut?
Why didn't I just go on pretending?
Why didn't I do soooo many things.

Why did I believe I could have another life and that it would be an easy cut?
Why does it hurt so much now when I was so careless? I was the one.

Sitting next to you -- you felt so far away from me.
You felt so far gone. Wasn't that what I wanted? Isn't that why I pushed you there? away from me?
Isn't that what I wanted to happen?

For the first time I felt like there was nothing between us.
I asked us to just admit the truth because I have been guilty of staying in something way longer after it was over.

Are we over?
I feel like we have exhausted this love.
But how?

We were that couple. That stupid foolishly-in-love couple who people looked at and wondered how we could seriously be that happy.

That open and wanting to parade of this love that we FINALLY got. We FINALLY had. It was ours.

It was mine.
WAS.

IT. WAS. MINE.

I have never learned any lessons.
Except loss. Failure.


But last night after getting out of bed next to you I went outside... I felt calm. I felt peace because there was nothing left to say.

I prayed. I prayed to God and begged for us to be fine... and not "us" but you and me.

Seperately. No matter what happens.

Because I know, just like once again... no matter what, I will be fine.
A little broken again.. but fine.
And who isn't walking around with holes in their soul? in their heart?